Friday, November 6, 2009

Lard Gun

I've been blessed with too much work these past two weeks. Its insane how much the security industry takes off when things get bad, and how it ramps up into overdrive when lives and money are lost.

Believe me, they're more worried about the loss of money. Lives are replaceable.

Anyways while I was toiling away today on the top of a lift some 30 feet in the air, I was still fuming over what happened down in Texas and the insane attitude of Obama and his band of theives to this outrage.

It's often been said that, "Idle hands are the Devil's tools." - Tales of Melibee, Chaucer

However in my case, my hands seem to be able to carry on many routine tasks without constant input from my brain, and so frequently my brain is far afield creating ways for me to get in trouble.

Today was no exception.

I know I get visitors from Great Britain from time to time, and I know you folks are having problems with "radical" Muslims trying to re-arrange your society to fit their ideas of propriety.

"Radical", is it me or does there really not appear to be any difference between any Muslim? There's the guys wearing bombs wandering into markets. Definitely "radical". The guys driving up to hotels and pushing the button. Definitely "radical". But these guys are not going to be a problem for long. But what about the guy running the corner store? Is he a nice guy, or is he funneling money to CAIR or some other wacko group?

Seems to me the guys who seem nice better start stepping up to the plate and doing in some of their own wackos before the rest of us start looking at him and wondering.

Their silence and lack of action is telling.

Anyways, back to the subject at hand. I also understand that its pretty difficult to get your hands on guns, explosives, or the precursors to explosives over there in England.

So, what to do. What to do that will enable freedom loving people to express their outrage and anger at a group of people who just insist on stirring the pot? What can we build that will cause laughter on one side and shock and disgust on the other?

Well, I came up with two probably functional possibilities. I say "probably" because I haven't had the opportunity to try it. It's be a whole lot easier if one of the paintball manufacturers started making pork fat loaded paintballs.

Somehow I think that unlikely, and it's too difficult to make on your own. Just take a look at this:

How Paintballs Are Made

However if you want to use a syringe to unload the paint, and replace it with liquid bacon drippings, just remember to thank your old pal Catman for the idea when you pop Omar The Tent Maker in the backside. It might also be nice to chant "Porky Pig Akbar!"

So I went back to the "Spud Gun". Assembly instructions here: The Spudgun Technology Center

I reasoned instead of using potatoes, we could construct projectiles out of manteca. Manteca is the result of wet rendering pork fat. Many times you will see it on the store shelf just labeled "Lard".

So, we could build an extrusion form using a piece of PVC. We'd cap one end and pour softened lard in and allow it to harden. Remove the cap, and use a ram to push the formed lard out. The projectiles could be cut to length as the lard emerges from the tube. If you use the same size PVC pipe for the form as the one for your spudgun's main barrel, it'll be a nice tight fit with little chance for blow-by. I'd stack the projectiles in a freezer until needed.

Definitely test fire it remotely before employing it for real.

Get a bunch of your friends together and it'll be like a mortar crew pelting a Mosque or a crowd of sheet wearing refugees.

"Ma! Look! It's manna from Heaven!"

When I thought about that I realized that mortar crews are pretty vulnerable and they need support from infantry.

So, what to do, what to do.

Did you know bacon drippings are liquid down to about 86 degrees F (30 C)?

So, if we cook up some bacon and strain the drippings through a fine cloth, we should have a fairly clean liquid.

Load up a Supersoaker, like Quickblast, and douse your foes with warm bacon fat. Now I know its getting cool up here since we're heading into winter, so it might be difficult to keep the fat warm and liquid.

Why not tape a couple of disposable handwarmers to the tank just to keep it all nice and cozy?

Rounding up the local stray dogs in the middle of the night and locking them in the local Mosque also seems like it could be fun. Make sure you feed them well, and give them water laced with epsom salts.

Now that's Halal!


idahobob said...

Bad Cat..... Bad!!!!!



HermitJim said...

Pretty good ideas, my friend! Wonder how the guy in charge likes being a member of this group now?

I think he would be second guessing his choices about now...

Anonymous said...

Pig's blood in a water balloon would good also, but only if thrown in a spirit of "fun".